Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
