cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
