woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
