final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
