Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
