im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
