I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
