i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
