A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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