ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The uberlube is also flammable
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
