I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
