you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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