Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
