Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
there is glitter all over my balls
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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