Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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