Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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