He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
