I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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