So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
