I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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