The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
