yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I have fence marks all over my body
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
