I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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