the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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