I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
