ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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