Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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