You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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