help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
