I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
