On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
