"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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