He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
