Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize