we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
