im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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