No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
