we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
