I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
