Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
