You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
