We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
