The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Everclear isn't food dammit
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
