I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
