please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize