Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
