4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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