I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
