I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
