she looked like the bat from fern gully.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
