it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
