Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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