my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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