Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
