It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
