Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize