So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We were destined to go to rehab together
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
