I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
