I'll bet she douches with gravy.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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