wakey wakey hands off snakey
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Sober January is a disaster.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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