I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Jerry, you need to find god
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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