That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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